I appear to have woken up 35 years old. It’s not that much of a surprise. It happens at the same time every year after all. But it’s one of the few days that I actually think about how old I am, and what that means, if anything. And that leads to looking back, reflecting on my life so far.
Urghh. Do I have to?
In the words of the great Sandy Denny, “Who knows where the time goes?”
That’s an interesting question.
Usually this question is asked rhetorically, but I want an answer. Where the Hell does it go? One moment I’m working in bars on a Greek island, waking up to beer for breakfast, the next moment I’m sitting at a computer in my living room, watching the birds out the window, worrying if I’ve got enough money to pay for my upcoming wedding.
What the Hell happened?
I mean, I know what happened. I’ve got the pictures, memories, scars and regrets to remind me.
But even so. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED THERE?
I’m 35. What is that? Halfway through my life? If I’m being pessimistic, I guess. So has it been good so far? Well I think so. But I’m generally a positive person, and I’m biased.
Then again, is there much point in looking back and assessing your life so far? Probably not. There’s nothing you can do about it now, so why bother, right?
So is it more important to embrace the now? That’s the only thing you might have some degree of control over, after all. Then again, do you?
And what about the future? The intangible, unknowable future? Is it worth worrying about the future? You can’t do much to shape it, so why worry about it?
I realise I’m asking a lot more questions than providing answers here. But I’m not smart enough to work out the mysteries of time, or to discuss the “realist” theory versus time as an “unreal” concept. I’ll leave that to the experts.
But it is tempting to look to the future. We all do it, don’t we?
I look to my immediate future and see the stress of organising a wedding being replaced by the joy of being married to the woman I love.
I look to my more distant future and see my writing developing and improving, and maybe one day even getting something published.
That’s something to look forward to right there.
Well, I think that’s enough reflecting for me. I’ve got a hot bath and the first volume of American Vampire waiting for me. Then beer, home-made tortilla chips and enchiladas.
It is my birthday after all.